I'm mostly using this blog as an outlet for my feelings and observations about my life. I don't update regularly, but only when something of interest happens in my life.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Damn it

*I just realized that this has been building since about February*
Ok, so here's what has been happening lately. I've been feeling more and more depressed and I've figured out that it's because it seems like my friendship with my best friend has changed to the role of daycare provider. I don't get invited to go places with them, instead I get asked to watch the kids for a while. As if I don't spend enough time with their kids! I am seeing that I am stuck in a rut, I work for eight hours, I pick up the kids from daycare, take them home, cook everyone supper (about half the time), pick up the mess, put the kids to bed, then go home and sleep, just to start it all over again! On any given day I spend from 5 to 8 hours with the kids with little or no adult company.
I'm tired of trying to be friends with my best friends husband. Everything he does just pisses me off. An example, last Saturday he joined us (me, BF and baby) in hitting some garage sales before he had to go to work (optional overtime), when he got home, my BF decided that we would drive to the lake and have dinner with her mom. Instead of going with us (we were only gone from 5-7) he decided that he was going to a friends to drink, plans that had apparently been made earlier in the week. It bugged the hell out of me that he would rather spend time drinking with his friend than have dinner with his family, even though we were all going to this friends house after dinner.
This is just one example. I'm getting fed up with feeling like I'm being used and not appreciated for all that I do in their lives. I mean, I do the dishes, cooking, laundry and cleaning, plus watch the kids. A little effort on his part, especially since he's home all day till 3 or 3:30pm, would probably go a long way. Hopefully things will get a bit better now that the older kids are in school, but they weren't very helpful all summer either.
Apparently all the thanks and gratitude I get from my BF is not enough when I'm doing stuff for everyone else too. I feel worn out and abused.
And yet again this weekend, I've been asked to watch the kids so that he can re-build the back deck while my BF is working. I'm thinking another 8 hours of babysitting! Not only that, but his mom and dad will be there most the day too. It's practically impossible to keep the 3 year old away from grandpa when he's at the house!
And I understand that it's hard to have a relationship when she works days and he works nights, and that they like to go out together once in a while, but Thursday night till midnight or 2am is really not acceptable when I have to work on Friday morning and they do not. And I don't really mind staying till midnight when my BF i working overnight and he gets off at midnight, as that only happens once in a while, like once or twice a month. It's just when I do all this and then am expected to have the kids on the weekend so that he can do things on his days off like ride his Harley or go see friends or whatever it is that he does. I would like to do those things too! I take his kids to the stores with me if I need to go get something, but if he needs to run an errand, he calls or asks me if I'll watch the kids for a bit. Sure , there are a few times when they want to go out and I would rather stay home, but that doesn't mean I really want to sit with the kids. I'd much rather go to bed. Especially when the kids have stayed up till ungodly hours the night before, then slept most of the day and will not go to bed, but instead give me grief about it.
My BF does understand that I need a break once in a while, but those are few and far between. Then she talks to me about thinking about a divorce and me moving in with her and kids to help out. I'm thinking I'd rather get hit by a meteor. It's tough enough living just across the street from them.
I am at a breaking point. I have already ripped his ass for the kids not sleeping, and I'm about ready to tell him to call of his friends to watch the kids when he wants to go do something. He really needs to figure this out. Either I'm his friend too, or stop relying on me and using me. We used to go do things together; golfing, fishing, pool, drinks, and what not, but we haven't spent hardly more than an hour together in I don't know how long.
Anyway, that's my pity party and feel sorry for me rant.


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